Whether you have been married for a long time or are just getting engaged, funny marriage advice is always welcome. These quotes and statements range from hilarious to profound statements about marriage. While they are designed to be funny, these quotes also offer tidbits of wisdom to help you have a long, happy marriage. Get your married started off right with these pieces of funny marriage advice and quotes.
1. You should just go to bed angry instead of fighting it out all night. That way, you have your rest to win the argument tomorrow.
2. Chains are now what keeps a marriage together forever. It is the thousands of tiny threads that you sew together over he years.
3. Ever since it began snowing, my husband has stood in front of the window watching me. If the snow becomes much worse, I might even let him back inside the house.
4. The happiest couples do not always have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
5. Before marriage, you were madly in love with one another. Now, you will be mad at each other too.
6. The two golden rules of a happy marriage are: 1. Your wife is always right. 2. If you think that she isn’t, slap yourself and refer to rule #1 again.
7. Listening to your wife is a lot like reading a website’s terms and conditions. You might understand nothing, but you still say, “I agree!” at the end.
8. A successful marriage requires you to fall in love many times with the same person.
9. If you want to discover the person you are really marrying, make them use a computer with a slow internet connection first.
10. The best of marriages are between a deaf husband and a blind wife.
11. Math is hard before marriage is hard, but afterward it is simple. If you have $10 and she has $15, she has $25.
12. Always set the goal of giving your spouse the best of yourself and not just what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone else.
13. Congratulations on getting promoted from “When are you getting married?” to “When are you having kids?”
14. Getting married is like taking a class about Shakespeare. You get a bit of comedy, a little romance and a whole lot of tragedy. Congrats!
15. If you want to have a peaceful home, just do what your wife wants.
16. A happy marriage depends entirely on the words, “Yes, dear.”
17. My wife and I lived happily for 25 years. Then, we met!
18. Marriage is the only war where you can actually sleep with the enemy.
19. Marriage is just a special bond between one person who never remembers anniversaries and a spouse who never forgets.
20. Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the wife gets her master’s degree.
21. A long marriage is when a couple dances a duet and two solos at once.
22. Whenever a husband opens the car door for his wife, it is either a new car or a new wife.
23. A happy marriage is just the union of two forgivers.
24. When a man holds a woman’s hand before they’re married, it is a sign of love. After getting married, it’s self-defense.
25. Marry someone who likes a different ice cream than you do. That way, they won’t eat all of yours.
26. I was so happy when my wife’s credit card was stolen—the thief spent less than my wife!
27. To keep your cup brimming with love, admit when you are wrong. When you are right, shut up.
28. After marriage, the idea of spending time with friends becomes a distant memory.
29. If you want to be happy with your husband, love him less and try to understand him more. If you want to be happy with your wife, always love her more and never try to understand her.
30. Marriage is a special bond where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
31. Marriage is a verb, not a noun. It is not something you have or get because it’s something you do. It is just the way that you love your spouse each and every day.
32. Welcome to the wild, dangerous world of being married. It is too late to repent now, so just have an amazing journey!
33. Husbands are the best secret keepers. They never tell anyone your secrets because they don’t really listen.
34. Marriage is a fancy word for adopting an adult male child who can no longer be handled by his parents.
35. Women marry a husband in the hope that he will change. Men marry wives with the hope that they won’t.
36. I might be annoying, say sill things and make you mad, but put all of that aside because you’ll never find anyone who loves you more than I do.
37. A problem in a marriage is not a stop sign, it’s just a guideline.
38. Every man wants to find a woman who is gorgeous, good with money, understanding and an excellent cook. Too bad the law says you can only have one life.
39. The bonds of matrimony are just like any other bond—they mature slowly.
40. Every marriage is happy. It is just what happens next that causes all of the trouble.
41. Being married is great because you finally find that special person who you get to annoy for the rest of eternity.
42. “By all means – get married! If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
43. When you see a married couple walking separately, the one who is a few steps ahead is the angry one.
44. I now pronounce you two husband and wife! You may now update your Facebook status.
45. Treat her like you are still trying to win her heart, and you’ll never lose her.
46. When a woman says “What?”, she actually heard you. She’s just giving you the opportunity to see the error of your ways.
47. Never turn to your mom if your spouse does something you do not like. Work on it together.
48. Married life is as easy as a walk in the park. The only problem is that the park is Jurassic Park!
49. A man is incomplete until he finally gets married. Afterward, he’s finished.
50. If you are wrong and stay quit, you’re truly wise. If you are right and stay silent, you’re married.
51. Never laugh at the choices your wife makes because you are one of them. Never be proud of your decisions because your wife was one of them.
52. Marriage might be a great institution, but who really wants to live in an institution?
53. A good marriage is a lot like a casserole. Only the people responsible for making it know what goes in it.
54. When a wife has a good husband, you can always see it on her face.
55. Marriage is like signing a contract that does not let you renew it each year.
56. The secret to having a happy marriage remains a secret.
57. Marriage is like taking a hot bath. Once you get used to the water, it isn’t so hot anymore.
58. Whenever you make a sacrifice in your marriage, you are not sacrificing for each other, but for your relationship.
59. If you marry one woman, she will always fight with you. If you marry two women, they will always fight for you. Think out of the box.
60. Never stop dating your wife or flirting with your husband.
61. Now, it is the beginning of the end for you. In place of nights out and beers, you have a loving wife. Congratulations!
62. Marriage is just natures way to keep all of us from fighting with strangers.
63. There is one surefire way to transfer funds faster than online banking. Marriage.
64. Marriage does not come with guarantees. If you want guarantees, go live with a blender.
65. Love is just a flower that transforms into fruit when you get married.
66. Before a marriage, a man says he’d lay down his life to serve you. Afterward, he won’t even lay down his book to listen to you.
67. Spend a few minutes a day listening to your spouse, and you will always have a happy marriage.
68. My Prince Charming isn’t arriving on a white horse. Obviously, he’s riding a turtle and lost along the way.
69. A successful man is someone who can make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman finds that man.
70. He stole my heart, so I decided to take my revenge. I’m going to steal his last name.
71. Marriage is always a workshop. The husband works, and the wife shops.
72. Relationships are a lot like Tom and Jerry. They might fight and argue, but they cannot live without each other.
73. Marriage is just a book where the first chapter is written in poetry, and the rest is written in prose.
74. Building a successful marriage is a lot like farming. You have to start again every morning.
75. Here’s the million dollar truth: A wife is just cute when she’s mute, and a husband is a honey when he hands over the money.
76. Remember that a marriage is just a flower. You have to keep it watered and fed so that it can blossom and grow.
77. I never knew what true happiness was until I became married. By that point, it was too late.
78. To keep the fire of your marriage burning bright, you just have to keep the two logs close enough to keep one another warm and far enough apart for a little breathing room.
79. Husbands are like fires. They tend to go out when left unattended.
80. A good marriage is like a fine wine. It only improves with age.
81. Marriage is lot like an adventure like going to war.
82. Being married is getting a best friend who never remembers anything you say.
83. A happy man gets to marry the girl he loves. The happiest man loves the girl he marries.
84. Marriage is like homeowner’s insurance. You just keep paying and never get anything back.
85. Marriage is a type of alliance started by a man who can’t sleep with a window closed and a woman who can’t sleep with it open.
86. The two phrases you need for a happy marriage: “It’s my fault” and “Yes, dear.”
87. Never go to mad angry, stay awake and fight. Never yell at each other unless your house is on fire.
88. Marriage isn’t what makes you happy. You make your marriage happy.
89. My husband might think that I’m the crazy one, but he’s the person who married me.
90. A truly happy marriage learns to keep his mouth closed and his checkbook open.
91. They say that marriage is just a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
92. When a couple argues about who loves each other the most, the one that gives in is the true winner.
93. Spouse: Someone who sticks by you through all of the trouble you would never have had if you were just single.
94. I think you should always marry men who have a pierced ear. They’ve obviously experienced pain and already know how to buy jewelry.
95. Love might be blind, but marriage is a true eye-opener!
96. If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife wants you to.
97. A husband might be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head any way she wants!
98. The best type of husband is an archaeologist. He gets more interested in her, the older she gets.
99. Marry the person who makes you feel the same way you do when you see food arriving at your restaurant table.
100. A happy marriage is not based on how long you’ve been together. It’s about how much you love one another.
101. I think that I might be having some vision problems. Since I got married, I haven’t seen any money anywhere in the house.
102. Two things are important for making your wife happy. First, make her think that she is getting her own way. Next, let her have it.
103. Never marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can’t live without.
104. In life, we always have to keep our eyes wide open. After marriage, it’s sometimes better to close them.
105. A happy marriage is a lot like a game of chess. The queen should always make sure to protect her king.
106. A good marriage isn’t when the perfect couple meets. It’s about an imperfect couple learning how to enjoy their differences.
107. Four words for a successful, happy marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”
108. Marriage is the end of a love story that started with a wrestling match.
109. If you think that your wife never pays attention to you, try talking to another woman.
110. Don’t live in the past. Never compliment your wife for how she used to look in an outfit that doesn’t fit anymore. Tell her how great she looks now in the present.
111. Marriage is like getting a call in the middle of the night. At the very first ring, you wake up.
112. The goal of a happy marriage is not to think alike, but to learn to think together.
113. A happy marriage is when you have a long, eternal conversation that still seems too short.
114. If you want something from your husband, feed him. When a man is hungry, he becomes grumpy and irritable. A hungry husband is not likely to agree to an argument or a demand. If you want to talk about something serious and get him to do something for him, feed him first.
115. It is always amusing when people debate marrying for love or an arranged marriage. It’s like asking someone if suicide or murder is better.
116. They always said that opposites attract. If that’s true, then your marriage is going to last for a very long time. Best of luck and congrats!
117. The best way to remember your anniversary date is to forget it just once.
118. You should start writing a book about your married life and call it “Forever.”
119. Best modern advice for a relationship: Always pay more attention to your spouse than you do to your phone.
120. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints behind on our hearts. Other people walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face.
121. Whenever he says that he will be home by 10 after a night out with the guys, don’t lock the door before 1.
122. Marriage is just about give and take. You better give your all, or she;; take it all away.
123. When you’re at the mall, hold your wife’s hand or she’ll start shopping. It might seem romantic, but it’s just practical.
124. A marriage is not about how much love you start with, but how much love you develop until the end.
125. After a marriage, a husband and wife are like two sides of the same coin. They might not be able to face each other, but they remain together.